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26 August 2005

A seven day stretch

It's only day five. After today, it's only two more days. When did I turn into such a big, whiney girl?? Not that long ago, in a land far, far away, during a life that is just a memory, I used to work a lot more. Retarded amounts more, actually. And it would take me to the most strange and beautiful places. On one hand, I miss it. I miss what it was that I did, what I was really good at. I miss the crazy stories that I could tell people from my better-than-fiction life. I sometimes, are you ready for this one (!?) - miss telling people how busy and tired I am. Why is it that I do this? Why do I have to come across as the martyr, the one to always 'take it for the team'? Why do I have to bring it to their attention? Hmmm.

What I've noticed in the past little while is that there has been a very defined, stripping away. Even thinking about it, my shoulders tighten up and migrate towards my ears. Obviously, I'm not handling it as well as I think I should, considering my neck is beginning to go missing. I've always embraced change a little more aggressively than the rest of the population. And with that realization, a light is beginning to shine. It's kind of like a sunrise in the morning - it starts out dark, but then a little bit of light appears and you see the outline what whatever it was that you couldn't see in the blackness. And the sun gets higher... colour starts to appear - not a lot, but things are no longer distinctly grey or distinctly black. There's some red, some orange. It's still not easy to see because the red and orange could be from the sunrise, but regardless, it's colour. I run away. I've runaway from a lot of things. I've run away from a lot of things for a hell of a lot of stupid reasons. And trust me, my runners are firmly strapped onto my feet and ready to take flight, but there's something holding me firm. Gently firm.

So here I am. In the ready position. Waiting for the shot to go off to signal my start. But still standing still. Lessons. I'm learning lessons.

I know me, am fairly secure in myself and my abilities. I'm capable. And there are times that I really wish I wasn't. Being capable means that I make fairly half decent decisions, that I'm provided for because I work hard, that when the 26th hour of my day rolls by, I can still keep going because..................................... I'm capable.

But I know the me that pleases those around me. I know that me that says "Ok, A, we'll just shut your mouth here and leave as soon as possible". It's all in the appearance. I had to sit and think about whether I hated NOT knowing something or the appearance of not knowing something. And I'm still not sure that I can discern between the two.

So things are being stripped away. My heart speeds up and my breath gets short and I think NO!! DON"T TAKE THAT FROM ME!!! But it was never really there to begin with. It's like nailing jello to the wall. Good luck with trying to attach that sucker vertically.

And here I sit under scrutiny. Here I sit receiving memos about my inadequacies. Here I sit being humbled by everything I'm not while it is compared to everything I have been given. And I find strength.

STRENGTH.

I'M FINDING STRENGTH!!!

Boggled. My mind is boggled at how grace works.

"Unless you assume a God, the question of life's purpose is meaningless" Bertrand Russell, atheist.

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