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18 August 2005

We Belong Together

Remember those tapes you used to make when you were 12 and 13 years old - the sappy love songs. Yep, 60 minutes of tear jerkers - if you were lucky, you got them taped off the radio with little feedback. I don't think I've outgrown it - I've just changed my radio to mp3's and the tape is now my computer. I'm listening to Mariah Carey's new stuff - I'm impressed because normally she drives me nuts. I may actually have to stop downloading and buy the cd. I think it's because she doesn't try for all 36 octaves per note. Anyways, back to me. My boyfriend, of a year, and I just recently broke up. It wouldn't have been so bad except we discussed the M word. Hell, we even used to go so far as to lie in bed and discuss baby names. We decided on Lola Elizabeth. She was going to be beautiful. During the day I do fairly well. I keep myself busy and toodle along and everything's ok. It's not perfect, but it's ok. But I'll admit that the night's are tough. You need to understand that I'm one of those messed up Christians. I know where I should be - know all the boundaries and am fairly secure in the rule book - but I have a heck of a good time hanging out on the other side of the fence. Usually with a good stiff drink and dancing my arse off. It's a good time - for the moment. It's the morning afters that kill me. So I'm working on it. But the trouble is that this time (yes, there have been multiple moments of repentence) is that this one seems to be taking a hold. Too bad it's about 7 years too late (I could have stood to miss the WOOHOO phase of my adult years rather than whole heartedly embracing (and photographing) it). But it would seem that these friggin' prayers are getting answered. And it's not easy. I'm really really REEEEAAALLLY good at picking up and changing sceneries, but this time it just doesn't seem possible. So I'm standing in one spot and allowing myself to be looked over. Can't say that I'm wild about what I see. And how this relates to J is the simple fact that much is being brought to my attention that I did wrong. This is really where it begins to suck out loud. Don't get me wrong, he's not entirely innocent in the whole drama... but it would appear he most definately had a lesser part. We both hurt each other. But his was more an acute pain that he caused and mine was more chronic. I chronically squished the life out of him and us. And that's a crappy feeling. Yeah, the night's are tough because I listen to Mariah Carey sing that We Belong Together whilst sitting in what feels like a dark room, save except for a single light that blinds me while I desperately seek for a corner to hide in. But there I am, curled up in a ball, naked and in a pathetic puddle of grace that should never have made it to my doorstep. And I'm sorry seems like a pretty pathetic return on an investment that J gave me in his heart. J, if you ever stumble across this, I hope you know that I love you. And that I'm more than sorry. And I feel like I broke.

Joshua said to the people "consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do great things amoung you".

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