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09 September 2005

Admittance




One of my biggest fears, I think, is admitting my weaknesses. Isn't that odd? I'm well aware of them, and have a tendancy to lay them out on the table for all the world to see. But it's not all of them. There are some that I hold tight and won't let anyone have a peak. Funny, I don't even know their names or the stories they hold. They're secrets and fears that I know are there, but I can't put a finger on them to tell you, because, well, I can't.

I'm not that bad. I'd say about 13% mischevious, 3% blatant, 6% brazen, and the rest is just a mixture of mild annoyance with a whole lot of hardiness and general likeability. That's what I would like to think makes me up. I'm sure that everyone else has their opinion, but this is my blog. Feel free to leave comments, but the main guts are mine ;)

I don't know. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to prove any points, because there really aren't any, but I guess I just want you to know that I'm doing my damndest to be genuine. And sometimes that's tough.

When I was 11 years old, I broke my hip. But I didn't just break my hip, that would be too easy. Instead, I broke my hip and let it heal with the ball out of the socket for approximately 1 yr (more or less), until they had to rebreak it and screw some pins into it. I had nearly lost the entire use of it. The tendons and muscles had stretched and been damaged and when I got into bed at night, mom had to come along and put my leg in with the rest of me. There was such a dependence on her. And if I never believed in heaven before, I would believe that there would be a spot in such a place for only her. Because she deserved to be there.

Most 11 year olds are starting to pull away, assert themselves and make choices - challenge the cardinal rule and find some boundaries to blur. I was terrified. I was terrified that if I said no or disagreed or even so remotely thought about doing something wrong, I would need someone and they wouldn't be there. There was never a line between physical and mental need, none . I thought I had to be a good girl. I thought the only way to be a good girl was to be an agreeable girl. But this isn't always the case. During my two weeks in the hospital they did a total of 153 x-rays on my hips and abdomen regions. As a result, my insides got rather fried and screwed up a developmental process that would, in turn, haunt me for a very long time. Sometimes I want to write into postsecret and just say "I'm a bleeder. My first period lasted six months straight and that was when I was 14. Now I'm 29 and even though I know it won't last that long, sometimes I just get terrified that it will and I'll bleed all over everything. Forever". I was pretty much incapacitated for about 3 years. I grew tall and gained a lot of weight. I remember the first time my mom saw the stretch marks on my belly. She didn't say anything about them, just gave me a hug, told me I was beautiful. I still believe her even when it's hard. I was beautiful then, I still am. I just have a few scars, that's all.

It's not a pity party. I just want you to know that there are things that happen over a course of a lifetime, my lifetime, that create who, a person is to become. Sometimes though, that 11 yr old that needs help getting into bed, comes out first. Or atleast tries. Be thankful she's there - she just wants to make sure that you're ok - even though she knows that you are. It's just to double check.

And as the curtain lifts for the opening act, I am there as the star of my own show, sitting on the nubbin ball, just trying to keep my balance. It's a good show - dramatic, with a happy ending.

as always, thanks for listening.

ms d

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

1 comment:

Smarts said...

I just wanted to give you a (((hug))) and tell you that I love you.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

-Ambrose Redmoon