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04 September 2005

Confirmation of Earnings

The mail came tonight. Wait, let me correct that, the mail came 3 days ago, but lil homo just got it from the box and sat it on my desk. Service with a smile. My student loan came through and the official paperwork arrived *today*. Looks like I'm ready - for school atleast. Kinda. It's funny, I knew everything was going to fall into place. I knew it would and there was nothing anyone could say or do to change my mind on that. I'm where I'm supposed to be. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. And it scares the crap out of me. In a good way, of course. You know, because crap comes with options.

Tomorrow begins three days off. I'm excited and freaked out because class starts on Thursday. Just because I'm where I'm supposed to be doesn't mean that I'm fear-free. I remember walking to class last year on the very first day and thinking to myself "Here we go"and "I really didn't think through this enough" and "I wonder if I can get my money back?". But we got through. I think the thing is, is that I know that I'm scared and I wish that, just for a moment I could surrender to that fear and show it to the world for sympathy. Look at me! Look what I'm doing! I'm amazing, I know - but I'd really like to hear it from you! If only to get that reassurance that I will be just fine. Sometimes it's just nice to have a hand to hold - not for dear life, but maybe just to help me balance for my first step. But then I am brought to task in the simple matter that inside I know that I can do it for no other reason than that the door's been opened and I walked through. Why doI worry so much about the rest of the world granting me their approval? I already have it from Someone way bigger. No matter how many times I shoot myself in the foot and land on my face.

The nights are starting to cool off, so sleeping's a bit easier and a little more restful. There's a party going on upstairs - Sunday night of a long weekend may as well be a Saturday. I ate a shrimp ring (whole one, without help, with spicey sauce) and wore my best winnie the pooh jammie bottoms (yes, I meant to say "jammie's"), watched some tv and am now getting settled for the night. I like where I'm at these days.

Tomorrow's goal is to be nice to 3 people that I don't know. Remind me not to stand still when life is busy happening.

night gang.

ms d

"... we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us..." Romans 5:1-5

3 comments:

Smarts said...

Dear Ms.D,
Go stand outside in the sunshine, sun full on your face. Preferably somewhere with a slight breeze. Open up your arms in a wide V above your head. Yoga breathe several deep breathes and feel all the wonderful body sensations of being fully alive.
You need no permission to live your own beautiful life. So go live it - and be absolutely fearless.

For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2Tim1:7

Ms Dare2dv8 said...

Smarts,

I love you. I think you're amazing. I'm heading out the door! :)

Smarts said...

awwww, shucks Beav. you got me teary eyed. love you too.