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08 September 2005


My co-workers are planning an evening out for tomorrow. They want me to come. It would/could be a lot of fun. J would be there. I'm torn by two options.

Option #1 - let's call this "The Smartest Thing to Do". This particular option would be comprised of my saying "No, I really can't... I have to work late and then get up and work fairly early tomorrow... blah blah blah". Insert a bit of a laugh and reassure co-workers that, "no, no, you'll have a great time without me - you won't even notice me not there!" (you know, because I'm so desperatley shy and quiet and always hanging out in a corner {GAG}). Look busy and twitter about. Avoid direct eye contact on anything that remotely has to do with Friday Night. I will make up my mind to have a quiet evening alone, perhaps drink some Nestle Quick and prepare my clothes for Saturday's work. Perhaps I could get another chapter read in my Purpose Driven paperback.


Option #2 - let's call this "Reminiscent of the WOOHOO Years and Fully Regretable the Following Morning". Now this particular option brings an immediate, misbehaved grin to my face, simply because these nights, I am wounded to report, are far easier to plan for than staying in and drinking nestle quick. (There is a remote possibility that Nestle is looking at a Vodka prototype that would enhance the 'staying at home' experiences, but the market for the 12 yr olds just isn't taking...). Anyways, moving on. Let me be honest in saying that MY BAD ASS WANTS TO STRUT OUT IN MY BEST OUTFIT AND KNOCK HIS SOCKS OFF!. If it were a world that I was once familiar with, I'd... well, nevermind what I'd do, but I can guarantee that it would last into the next day's sunrise.

So here's the catch - I used to do it. I used to have a heck of a time doing it. I used to be good at it. And then I would feel like crap. And it's not all that long ago that I stopped doing it. I may as well have sold my soul for a chicken burger - Satisfying for a moment, but hardly good for nurishing the starving millions. Or me. It's like a coin - two very distinct and different sides, but still the same coin. Meet me - Dr. Jeckyls bad little sister who snuck in and drank the mixture, even though he told me to stay the hell out of his room.

I think I've answered my own question. I'll stay home and drink the Quick. BUT I'M SPIKING IT! If for no other gratification than 'because I can'. Honest to goodness, 30 going on 12, eh? Kim is sleeping on my couch. And yes, I'll admit, I do hope that J brings her safely to where I live and sneaks into my room and kisses me good night. I wish it so much I could scream. But I'll also let you in on that I'll be really relieved to know the next morning, while drinking my coffee, that he didn't. I really shouldn't have given up sex and booze in the same week. You have no idea how hard it really is. I don't want him back, but it doesn't mean that I can't have a rough night about it every now and then. I like to refer to it as "entitlement".

But I guess I'm growing up. I guess (sans the entitlement bit of crap). My devotions this morning were talking about that what you take in from your surroundings, impacts what you do. I'm like a sponge, soaking up things that are around me - whether they're good or bad. The only trouble is that when the pressure is on, what's been soaked up inside of me is going to come out. I would like to think that it would be good first. But strangely enough, I can't get a written guarantee on that. I think Option #1 would be filling my sponge with the stuff that I don't mind oozing back out.

Yes folks, Option #1 is truly spongeworthy.

So here we go. More stripping away and sense being made from my senselessness. On one hand its painful, like a sting that sucks out loud. But the reality of it is that it's like a bandaid - clingy, but purely superficial.

On another note, there's a fellow from work presently hanging out in intensive care at our local hospital. His name is Adam, he's 27 and lives with cerebral palsy. He has one kidney and a wicked sense of sarcastic humour. He seems unafraid of my 5'10" frame - even though he doesn't quite hit me at thigh height. He's cool. And tonight he's lying under the lock and key of *hopefully* sane health officials, unconsiously forcing our conscience into prayer for recovery after an emergency surgery to unblock his lone kidney. Just one. He's got one shot to get this done right. No second chances for a one kidney cowboy. Not so surprising, I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for - both in the blessings I have received and the piles of shit that I've been removed from. And in my own weird way, I have been allowed to bloom.

I'm glad I remembered to buy milk. There's going to be a lot of Nestle Quick drank tomorrow night.

"When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Edward Teller


Curious Jane said...

I'm confused.

But let me throw option 3 out at you and come over and have a drink (whatever kind floats your boat). Husband is away and I would love the company (unless of course you get off work at some god-forsaken hour and then you only have your above two options! lol)

Ms Dare2dv8 said...

Option 3 is always there with you! ;) Except I'm working ungodly hours... blah

But it's all good :)

Potor said...

Um, Ms. Extreme? What about option 4? Go out, have a good time and come home without getting completely trashed? (says the guy in Vegas, lol)

Kiki said...

Yup, off to CJ's we go. Jules is around too, we can make it fun yet quietish.

Smarts said...

forget nestle...bailey's:) hello, have you forgotten how to drink alone?

Suz said...

I loved this post, as usual. I would've said go out, but that's just my Inner Bad Child. ;-) Definitely spike the Nestle, though! Try Peppermint Schnapps.

And stay away from boys you don't want back and yet do all at once. To quote Monsters Inc: "Put that thing right back where it came from or so help me!..." Have a fun night!

Ms Dare2dv8 said...

Ooooo... you guys ALL have GREAT suggestions!! I think I'll stay in, shoot the quick, have a bath and go to bed. Is it a bad thing that I'm looking forward to it??? Sheesh.