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25 September 2005

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I'm not even sure where to begin this one. I can't even try to make it pretty because, frankly, it's just weird. And I've inserted the picture because this is what I looked like the afternoon the world decided to OD on crack. Only a couple of hours ago.

And before I even begin, yes, I am well aware that I need an eyebrow wax. I'm even more aware that I should probably comb my hair and realign my ponytail (yes folks, that was a pony tail). And if you couldn't tell from the picture, I could probably stand to have a shower). You need not FYI me, for I am already aware. Thank you. But back to about 2.5 hrs ago.

I finished work at 6:15pm (18:15 for all you 24 hr cronies) today. It was a regular old day, nothing exciting, nothing worth noting. It went by quickly. I did as I was told. The flush still flushed in a clockwise motion. Copasetic, if you will. Until I noticed that I missed a call on my cell phone that came through at about 6:14pm (18:14). I didn't recognize the number and they didn't leave a msg, so my obvious conclusion was, if it's important, they'll call back. They did, at 6:17 (18:17).

Me: "Hello?"
Mysterious Caller (MC): "Hi There"
Me: "Hi........{dead air}........."
MC: *laughing* "You don't know who this is, do you?"
Me: *thinking that the voice sounded familiar* "Brad?"
MC: *laughter*
Me: "Bruiser?" {that'd be brother}
MC: "Nope and Nope - you'll never guess"
Me: "well, I am tired of trying. Who is this?"
MC: "It's Hockey Player"
Me: *silence*.............. then thinking *WTF????*
MC: "Weren't expecting to hear from me, were you?"
Me: *Since it had been over a year since he called me, no, not really* Please note that I am still silent at this point. I believe that my mouth was trying to form words. I hadn't yet been able to add sound.
MC: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm standing here with my mouth open" and yes, I actually did say that.
MC: "Want to meet me at Tim's? on the exibition grounds?"
Me: "Sure, I'll be there in five"

I closed my phone and went to meet him. The only thing that I remember about the drive over there was that my forehead was scrunched up and I blinked a lot. I think I may have been covertly trying to figure out if I was sleeping or well, I don't know what else it could have been besides severe hellucnigens. So I went to meet Hockey Player.

"She's a good girl, loves her mama... loves Jesus and America too...." Yes folks, today I went free fallin'

So Hockey Player was 19 when we dated. I was 27. At one point in every girl's life she needs atleast one good story to tell her grandkids. Some distant memory for worlds gone by that make her stop, giggle and blush a bit. Something that says "wow. Totally not the smarted choice I could have made, but damn that was fun!". Hockey Player is my such memory.

He was hot. Holy cow was he ever hot. And when he stepped out of his car tonight and lit up a cigarette, I was rapidly reminded of just how hot he still was and just how much sex we had had in my car that I was presently sitting in. Oh Lord. Even repeating it makes me grin and blush. I've repented! I've changed my ways! And I don't know how in hell I'll ever get a bible verse to fit into this one, but damnit, I'll try. *sigh*

He was one of those hometown boys. Grew up in a rough family, but had that sweetness that came from always wanting to please and continually seeking approval. He was a boy that dearly loved his mother. For real. And you could see her smile all the ways to her toes when he was around.

"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings...Coming down is the hardest thing..."

We dated for about 7 months. We had a lot of the same friends - he was one of those old souls in a young body (a reall nice young body) and we just had a lot of fun. I think that's probably it - we had a lot of fun. No real cares, no great duties. Just had a lot of fun. In the end, I actually broke up with him.

So we talked tonight. He is presently living with his girlfriend. She's two years older than me and has a little girl. She was married. Not to Hockey Player. He came after the fact. Actually, I think he may have came just before after the fact. Regardless, he chose one path and I chose another. They never crossed or even came close to one another. So he moved in with Her and I moved away, because, you know, up until a few months ago, that's what I really excelled at - moving away, packing it in and then packing it up. It was a little more complicated on my end of things than it was on his, for some obvious reasons and some not-so-obvious ones. Even though they mattered then, I guess the reality is is that they no longer hold the same weight or devestation.

He told me he missed me, that he couldn't really remember a day that went by where he didn't think of me. He said that I was really the first person in his life who really believed in him and pushed him without actually pushing him to become what he really was - to press the silly limits that a small town placed on him because he came from a family that wasn't quite as middle class as my own. That even though he sometimes did some stupid things, he knew that I knew he wasn't really stupid. He said that he missed me coming to his hockey games. He never had someone go and sit in a cold rink just to cheer him on. He noticed that my hair was quite a bit longer and that no matter what colour I put in it, he would always think that it would look nice.

"Whenever I drive by your mom and dad's I always look for your car. I nearly went off the road trying to look behind the woodpile to see if you were hiding!". He's one of the few people that know I hide my car behind the woodpile. At one point when we were dating, I hadn't had a period in 3 months - which isn't strange for me and my innards. But I'll be damned if you can explain it that easily to a 19 year old. He told me that he thought about that too. He thought about me being pregnant with his kid. And then he told me that he really liked the thought of it. This part didn't even phase me - I wasn't over the initial shock of the phone call that happened 45 minutes previous.

He couldn't call me from his cellphone because of Her. He said that She would probably be pretty jelous if She knew he was talking with me. He said he never wanted to hurt He, but that he needed to see me. So he called me from a payphone. And I came. And he bared his heart. About two weeks after we had split up, I had told him that I was sorry and that I really wanted a second chance. He told me he never forgot that and that he wished he could turn back time.

He headed off but asked if we could meet next Sunday at that same time. The look on his face told me that, for now, I couldn't say no. Sitting before me was a very young man who was a bit fearful of all that the world had delivered at his door - both by way of his choosing and then by way of his not. For now he just needed a friend whom he trusted and believed in him. I guess I fall into that category for now.

So here I sit, content in my knowledge that someone out there thinks I'm beautiful and thinks of me everyday - all without me ever knowing about it. Just when I think that the indelible mark is right in the middle of the page and exactly where it's not supposed to be, life is gentle enough to paint a beautiful picture all around it, making my once blatant mishap look like it's just a funny little mark that had always meant to be there. Like that slow burn of grace on a cold winter's night... one that keeps the chill off just enough without overwhelming.

PC asked me out for dinner for this coming Saturday night. He thinks I'm cool and would like to get to know me better. When he asked me, my very first thought was that I was a pretty lucky girl. I would dare half hazard a guess that he's just as lucky back. Funny how tonight I feel really beautiful. And I've looked the exact same all week. Life is pretty silly and pretty good.

"But as for me, I will always have hope. I will praise you more and more"
Psalm 71:14

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.
Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

6 comments:

Curious Jane said...

boooootay call... he was lookin' for a bootay call!
Can't say I blame him, you hot mama! And this week, you are not only hot - you're on fire! Ouch! touched ya!
:)

Kiki said...

Yeppers! He was lookin' for some lovin'!

Ms Dare2dv8 said...

LOL

Oh how true it is! Preach is, Sistas, cause the choir's listenin'!

Smarts said...

that pic does not look like you.

Fenn said...

your entry reminded me of this little poem i came across on the back of a bus;
somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and thinks for a moment that life is worth while, so when you are lonely remember it's true, someone somewhere is thinking of you.

Kiki said...

Post more.