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27 October 2005

Late Thursday Night

It's been one of those weeks that I'm really looking forward to seeing end. Not that it's been bad in all the ways that 'bad' pertains to, but everything's been a huge frigging struggle - like it's twice as much work for a quarter of the usual return. One of those weeks. Even tonight I wandered over to the grocery store that's about a half a block away from where I live - innocently looking for a flavoured decaf coffee. It's harmless. It's really no big deal. But I really wanted it. And in hindsight, I can see clearly now (yes, burst into song) that anything I really want, covet or chase openly and nearly get within arms reach, rarely to never works out. I am continually amazed - and sideswiped - at how life takes over, looks me in the eye and says "yeah, right." and then laughs in my face like Nelson to Bart. Feck (no, not a typo and is the root word to 'fecker'). But back to the coffee. They didn't have it. So I walked home and got into my car and went over to the Really Big Store. They always have it. Always. Except tonight. Then I thought, I'll go get a Diet Coke, you know, because I deserve it. But then I got ugly and stubborn and said screw this. I'll go home and drink water. I ate a cold oatmeal pancake just for extra spite.

I already know I'm pathetic. So feck off.

But the week's nearly over. Not that I want to wish time away, but man I am seriously looking forward to the weekend. I'm afraid though, that unlike my equally mesmerizing counterparts, I will not be dressing up this hallowed weekend. I'm heading to PC's for the weekend. He makes me laugh. He likes me too much (on his scale, not mine. According to my readout, he's doing just fine). But he says something and then he tries to retract it without retracting it. He's just so cute. We were laying in bed the other night and he asked me if I was freaked out by all of this, and by 'this' he means 'us'. I said no, should I be? Because I'm not. Are you? No. Not at all he said. He told me he was happy. It kind of feels like I think it would if I won the lottery. The really big one.

Smarts is up and about with a lot on her mind, but all underlined with a clear resolve. Cj's stoned on something, Kiki just sent me an email and told me I was retarded. Actually, it was simpleton. She called me a simpleton. I think she might be on to something.

Next wednesday is my 6 month check up. I'm trying to talk myself out of being anxious and it's just not working yet. But I guess it's like mom says, we'll worry about it when there's something to worry about. I'm really working on that one right now. It would just be easier if it hurt more - you know, like touching something and you go OW. But it doesn't. Shitty.

For now I'll worry about my paper that's due at 930 tomorrow.

night

ms d

As you make your way through life,
Let this ever be your goal,
Keep your eye upon the doughnut
And not upon the hole.

anonymous

1 comment:

Smarts said...

Ms.D would post but she is too busy fecking on the Boyston Hill!!!

signed
jeleous