And then last night occured and it was promptly followed by today. And it wasn't pretty. If I were to look at the temperature in celcius, your thermometer would read "Pretty Freakin' Cold Compared to the Last Few Days". That would translate into fahrenheit at something hovering around "Fuck, That's Cold!" However, do keep in mind that my math may be off just a bit. But regardless of whatever the temperature is, it was a grubby day to drive 2 hrs and then be forced to drop PC off at an airport that I really didn't mind avoiding. We were wheeling in his suitcases and I turned to him and said "You know, this would be waaaaay more fun if you were going somewhere hot and I had a ticket to sit next to you". Although there is a point of humour in this. Well, kind of funny. The ironic kind of funny where you shake your head and are forced to laugh, simply because this would happen no other place than a really pathetic shot at humour on TV.
Anyways, I dropped PC off today. We had a great weekend together and were pretty quiet last night on the drive over to my house. He drove and held my hand and every now and then would give it a squeeze just to kind of remind us both that it was such a treasure to be within touching distance of one another. And we all know that he loves to snogg me, but there's more to it than that. Time slips by so quickly and quietly when I'm with him... when he's making me breakfast or playing with my hair. Or ordering my coffee without ever having to ask what I take in it. When he looks at me with a grin and wonders aloud if our kids are going to be as high maintenance as I am. I grin back and tell him that they'll be worse if they take after my sister. Sorry smarts... I'm just kidding. Kind of. ;)
So it was tough today. He woke at 4am and snuggled me in close and kissed my cheek and didn't let go for anything. I got up around 8 and let him doze... made my coffee and had my cry. Big Picture, I kept telling myself. Gotta think of that damn Big Picture. I'm still telling myself that. But it will be ok. Everything's ok in the end.
Anyways, we made it to the airport and got checked in, sitting down to await his call to security to make his way to the gate. And in she walked. This is where it's kinda funny. I'm not sure if you remember my hockey player - the really young one what I ran into way back when. Anyways, the girl he was playing with on the side of me, and now presently living with, walked in. Young Hockey Player Guy had moved to Alberta as well shortly after Chistmas, apparently she was joining him. I guess that's where the funny ends, the fact that she was on the same flight as PC. But then I got thinking about everything else, and how everything fell into perfect place when I never thought it was even remotely possible to imagine. That Big Picture. How tides turn and stars align and God works in mysterious ways. And my heart went out to her. Even though I was never the bad guy, she would avoid me like the plague, would circle around three times as far just to avoid me. Which is too bad. I don't like thinking that I caused someone to avoid me. But then again, I hadn't on this particular occassion. She had her 4 year old daughter and puppy with her, her brother and her mother. She had never been very far out of our own little province and it was soon to be a brand new world. Just like it was for PC. But PC had me behind him, and I think we all know that I'm fairly invincible. He says I give him this crazy ability to do things that he never did before. A strength, he said. Funny how he gives me comfort and rest. Funny how the scales balance.
But back to her. She still had a hard time looking me in the eye, but just before she too went through the gate, I stuck my face in her way. It was important that she knew I was being honest when I told her that if she needed any help, just to ask PC and he'd be happy to lend a hand where he could. And I meant it. And it surprised me when I said it. And it shocked the shit out of her.
She has a life that I once started in on but, in glorious hindsight, never really wanted. I have a life that makes me wake up each morning, excited for the day to come, even though a big part of that walked through a departure gate at a little past three this afternoon. But it was ok, because when he gave me a hug and kissed me soundly, he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. And I believed him and this is only temporary. Because he doesn't throw love around. It's kept on the high shelf with your grandmother's antique dishes... not brought out for just anyone. So I didn't even cry. I dripped a bit, but nothing outlandish. Love brings certainty and safety and tonight I am flooded with both. I am excited about my life and I have a feeling that it will make a great many people envious as hell.
If you don't want what you want, then you're never going to get it.