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29 January 2006

Sunday Morning

I went to my parents place on Friday night and it was a good visit. Lately the visits have seemed a bit strange, but I had to take the onus off myself and understand that they are people too, dealing with their own frustrations, faltering and piles of useless, daily shit. Since working on shaking that particular feeling off, things have been much, I want to say 'easier', but I think it's more in lines with 'gentler'. There's a belief that says that something becomes a habit after 31 days of practicing it consecutively. I'm hoping that this same kind of thing takes in the same manner.

Last night I went to a dark little pub-slash-martini bar to hang out with a friend that I hadn't seen in about 2 years. I had watched him from a distance about a year and a half ago at the local farmers market, but the hordes of people stood in the way. I probably could have wrestled my way through, but there was a voice in the background that said silly little things along the lines of "he probably wouldn't remember anyway". So I watched him browse and leave. I continued waiting in line for samosas and chatting along with my samosa-waiting party. So last night we met for a drink. He had remembered me. In the words of my friend, Paige Archer, "Isn't it funny how ego gets in the way of truth sometimes?"

We talked about the goings on and the goings away that our lives had each traveled in such a period of absence - universally small in stature, yet composed of a lifetime of indelible changes. It was funny, as we talked and laughed and caught up, I was reminded of what had initially drawn me to him during the festival those summers ago - his comfort within his own skin; his observations of life and his way of approaching life based on those observations. And of course, his Irish accent. I found myself talking about things that are deep inside of me that I don't often verbalize - not necessarily hopes and dreams, but rather those things that are tangible, yet sometimes invisible inside of me - those pertinent things that have me, making me, forcing me to be Ms Dare2dv8 regardless of popular opinion - The things that question the relevance of always going with the ebb and flow. I talked about where I had come from to where I was at now, and while I had difficulty putting into words exactly how everything had played itself out, I was intrinsically aware that I had come full circle - I was still as equally busy as I had been two years previous, I still laughed and drank and volunteered; I still loved life and friends and family - but the methods had changed. The dials and switches had been altered to respond in different ways. I was still doing, but with a grace and change of priorities that comes with lessons from the hand of Life.

If it's possible to say that I've never struggled with a self-esteem issue, but have been in angst with who it was that I was, or am, I would have to say that. Everyone is different, unique, untamed frontiers of the universe, just as I am, but there is something that wants to buck the system in ever so slight ways. Daily I see many people around me responding to the world, yet knowing little of the depth of possibility. And that's what I found in my friend - a depth of the knowledge of possibility. So when I look at my bank account and see red, when I look at my calendar and see deadlines, I go back to my point of reference and find reassurance in that it is only for a time... and that this time too, will pass. Daily I remind myself consciously that I am a piece of a puzzle that creates a larger, more breathtaking scene than what it is that I can only grasp within arm's length. I make my choice to laugh and smile and sing and to put one foot in front of the other, even if it drags a bit, because life is far more enjoyable in motion.

I got PC a valentine's day card that has a big cartoon dog on the front cover and says "No Valentine could ever express the way I really feel about you..." "....however, I did use a lot of tongue licking the envelope." He'll laugh and knowing that tickles me to my toes because it lights up his entire face. And I think he's beautiful.

"You can always find a better cupcake. Keep looking."

Lauren Antler

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