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23 February 2006

There are moments in life that bring tears to your eyes for no other reason than that they touch you inside and in an instant. They breathe into dusty corners that surprise you because you sometimes forget that they are there. Sometimes they are happy. Othertimes they have an indescribable sadness to them - not an injustice or anger or self-destruction - just a simple sadness that reminds you, with painful clarity, that the world is not always a happy place and that the stars do not always align at the very most perfect moment.

I had a moment like this just tonight, late in the evening, and it was mixed with bitter-sweet. Sometimes I push away in anger and frustration, but then, such as tonight, I want to hold tight and fight the demons that are not mine. And whisper "it's ok. just let go. i'll keep you safe." How silly to think that I could conquer the world that is outside of my own. But how perfect it would be.

We all make our choices. We chose to be angry, chose to be strong. Fearful. Fearless. But why do all these choices that we are so free to make seem so inconsequential in these moments that lay our insides bare? I suppose these are the mysteries of life. I suppose that this is what life is, what it's about. I suppose.

I'm tossing back and forth in a tug of war between bitterness and thanks. Deep down I know that thanks will win... but these moments can just be tough to forget.

You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems, and suffer; and understand, for all that is life.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

3 comments:

Kiki said...

I will be requiring an email with an explanation of this...with real names, etc.

Bridget said...

That was poignant, Ms.D. You write eloguently of something that must be painful. True prose. I hope the bittersweet taste fades.

Jeni Paij said...

Amen.