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09 April 2006

It's been a tough week. The sun shone, the weather was decent, the winter term ended... and these are all good things. But I hurt someone who is close to me. I wonder whether or not they will read this. Perhaps they have written me off because they thought that I had of them. Perhaps they won't. We'll see. Time does funny things in working out the eventual ending of the story.

Probably one of the hardest things for me to do is say the exact thing that I mean to say at exactly the moment I mean to say it. Sometimes my timing's off, sometimes it's not. Regardless, it gets said and left to the cosmos to decide.

But if you happen to be reading... I meant what I said but not how you took it. I suppose it was a critical error in emphasis, a wrong pause, an awkward word, whatever. Funny how I've always hated that word... whatever... I always felt it was an excuse for indecision. I think it's more of my hands in the air in frustration. But I guess I can't go around trying to get the world to see through my heart and my eyes. That would just be selfish. I would like to talk, but I suspect it's too early and I suspect it will be awhile yet.

You said I must be so relieved to be rid of you. No, not relieved. Defeated. Like I won the battle but lost the war, except that analogy just doesn't work because I never considered you a fight. It's just the jist of the feeling I have right now, that's all.

Show me a person who has never made a mistake and I'll show you somebody who has never achieved much.

Joan Collins