An old friend of mine turned 30 today. We hadn't talked in about 2 1/2 years and I had stood up at her wedding. She's in the process of getting divorced.
"I don't know, Andrea. It's just all, well, it's all fucked up. Seriously, my god, where do I start? Do you know how long it's been since I've dated?"
I know I said. It's not easy. It's fresh and clean and new and scary and required her to put herself out there. And not that she was damaged goods by any means, but she was a bit tender and slightly bruised. She wasn't ready for a big up or a big down. She was ready for a change, she just wasn't sure on how big of one right now. I told her not to worry, things would settle into place. It's like water. No matter what kind of rocky nonesense it's flowing over, it always manages to find balance, to lay perfectly even when it comes to rest.
When I was 26 I was pregnant. I was working in the middle of nowhere and I remember sitting on the edge of the bathtub and watching the little stick turn pink. A lot of the details are fuzzy to me now, because time does that, but I remember that I felt fear that wasn't scary. It was overwhelming and lofty and great and there was no way that I could hold it all together to store it safely in my pocket. But it didn't frighten me. It was like looking at a puzzle and knowing that, eventually, you could get through it, but for right now, you had no idea. No idea of how to begin it, let alone try to find a process through the whole thing. It was life that was bigger than life. I was the starring role but could only wrap my head around a bit part. I had a miscarriage a few weeks later.
I've always believed in things unseen. I believed in God and love and things eternal. I believed that all things happen for a reason. And I guess I still believe that, but not the same way. I don't know how to explain the change, I just know that it's there. Different. Something broke inside me that day. It shattered and became irrepairable. But that something became stronger and picked up the slack. I can't have regrets because they would eat me alive. And that's just not acceptable. I can't live on the hangups of yesterday. Learn. Move on. Keep living.
So I talked to my friend tonight. We laughed and wondered about how much had changed and how all those changes brought us within arms reach, or atleast right-around-the-corner, of where we once came from. Life is funny that way. It reminds me to watch carefully where I tread day to day because I may be back this very way.
The heart has reasons which the reason cannot understand.