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04 June 2006

Early Sunday Morning

Well, I guess it's not that early... 11 am and raining. Maybe it's the hazy sky that makes it seem that way.

I think I'm finally getting settled. The bedroom has been painted, the living room nearly finished, new curtains and such for the kitchen windows, my desk set up, computer hooked up, highspeed installed, bookcases put together, clothes put away, flower pots planted. Yeah, I would say it's safe to say that I'm getting settled in. I even have fiddleheads cleaned, blanched, put away and frozen. And mom and I made rhubarb strawberry jam. Oh my, I am turning into a homebody!

To be perfectly honest, I love living where I do. I love the yard and the quiet and puttering about (although mowing the lawn is going to be a novelty that gets really old, really fast!), but it stinks that I'm now a 40 minute drive from Kiki's rather than a 2 minute one. I stayed over Friday night and we went yardsale-ing on Saturday morning - up and at 'em at 7:07am. "Because that's when the hardcore ones go!" saith Kiki. I laughed. It was fun and I, the most reluctant one of the group, seemed to haul in the most loot! By 11am it was raining and cold and I was cranky. I think if anything that says "Oh wow, she's totally the baby in the family" would be the moment that I get tired. Because when I get tired and don't want to do something, I'll be damned if I can fake it. I'm notorious for that and I hate it. I always stew about it later and end up feeling guilty for my short fuse. While it seems to make the rest of them laugh, because they've known me forever, it's still frustrating the next day for me because I think about it. Kiki seems to get bent out of shape about nothing that's unimportant in the grand scheme of things and I really admire that about her. More often than not, I wish that I had those capabilities. How does one get that way?

I'm probably more sensitive about it over the last 2 months. I lost a good friend because I was honest about my feelings on a matter and I found that I was talking to everyone else but who it was I had the issue with. And that's just not cool, so I sucked it up and said so. It didn't turn out like I had hoped. They cut the ties and that was that. I hurt them, but I didn't want to call it quits, I just wanted to call that particular nonesense to an end. But like I said, it didn't quite turn out like I had hoped. They told me that they felt "used" by the duration of our friendship and finished out our discussion in their kitchen with two words: "It's unfortunate". And I was dumbfounded. I was devestated that I thought I had used someone, and I was numb when someone dismissed us, me, as "unfortunate". So I guess I'm a little more conscious of that these days, a little more sensitive. When I stood there as they demanded what happened to spur this on, I was silent... which I often am when I'm frustrated, confused, hurt or mad. But this time I was silent because it didn't matter what I said, it wouldn't have been enough, it wouldn't have made things right or even different. It didn't matter. They told me that everyone in their life had let them down 100% of the time. I rounded out the final tally. And it was unfortunate.

I don't know how to say that I don't like something about someone, or how they deal with an issue, or how they react to this or that. I've no clue. And I won't just start listing and pointing out things here and there and say "I hate this", "Fix that", "I wish you wouldn't do..." Because none of it matters.

None of it matters. I didn't, and still don't, need to tear someone down because I don't agree. But I do need to step away a bit. I need to step up a little sooner and speak up, rather than letting it build. I need to smarten up my actions when I'm tired. I need to listen better and not be so sensitive and maybe let a few more things roll off my back. But not everything. I can't let everything roll because it will squish me in its path. I have regrets, but not the ones that I would have expected.

I don't know where this came from, but I feel better.


Jen said...

Sometimes when you don't know where it came from, it's something you've been needing to talk about for a while.

I have a friend that also told me that everyone in her life has let her down, that she has NEVER been able to hold on to a friendship. At that point, I would begin to wonder what I was doing wrong that every person I came across treated me that way. Surely in your entire life you'd run across SOMEONE who would be a true friend. So don't beat yourself up too badly, most likely a lot of it has nothing to do with you.

I try not to say anything about something that bugs me unless it negatively affects me or is harmful to my friend. I've had to speak up about friends using me or mistreating me, and about behaviors that I saw would wreck them. Other than that, if it's a quirk or something else that doesn't really matter in the long run, I just let it slide.

Food for thought.

Ms Dare2dv8 said...

Food well swallowed. Thank you :)

Bridget said...

I love where that came from-deep inside your soul. You're an amazing woman.

Jeni Paij said...

I totally understand. I had a similar situation with a friend of mine just yesterday. Sometimes, it's just hard to keep relationships in balance. I try so hard to help but then I get judged for living my life my way. It sometimes seems like such a Catch-22. - PA