I have learned that things go very quiet, very quickly. To the point where I find myself saying, Peter? You there? Quiet to the point that I can't even hear him breath.
I have learned that particular brand of quiet makes me really catch a glimpse of the enormity of the statement that I just put forth. I have learned that the phrase Holy Mother Fucker is a very appropriate statement.
My past has seen less-than-a-handful of these little Detectors of Life, one being positive (miscarried 5 years ago), 2 being negative and completed (one in the bathroom stall at McDonalds on my lunch break - Remember that G??) for simple peace of mind. This one was a concern. In fact, this was huge. This was Holy Mother Fucker huge. This time we had our ducks in a row for all systems go. This time we were ready in a very not ready sort of way. I was a little panicky over this one... so panicky that I actually didn't say anything to anyone (Kiki and Gia) and I'm usually not great at keeping my mouth shut. In fact, I'm never good at keeping my mouth shut.
Isn't is funny (interesting, not haha) that as soon as you begin to suspect your own pending motherhood (or someone's close to you) that you begin to see pregnant women or brand new mothers everywhere. Everywhere. Like single-celled bacteria that live in the air we breath. Everywhere.
So as the silence stretched between Peter and I, I said the obvious: are you there? Yeah. Not a Yes. Not a Yep. A Ye-ah where the ending is more an exhalation. Ok. Could you help me out here? Throw me a bone or something. I was really tempted to make a bad joke right here along the lines of throwing me "the bone" got us into this in the first place. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Ye-ah. Totally inappropriate. Looks like I won't be buying the new truck this spring. Well you could buy the truck, you probably should buy the truck because in five years we may not be able to afford it. How are you going to finish school? We'll manage. Somehow. Wow. All of a sudden there is WAY more to think about. Like instead of two, there's three.
I just finished about 2 1/2 hours of homework and I'm pooped, exhausted the whole way around. I bought some new shoes to distract myself (we'll not talk about the spending diet right now), but they're really cute and were 70% off. Both pairs. Both pairs are really cute.
Peter just called, asked me how I was doing, how my day was, yaddy yaddy yaddy. I asked him how he felt about a new truck and he said, new truck, new baby, either would be good. And once again, with crystal clarity, I am aware in the utmost way, I know exactly why I am head over heals in love with this man.
I told him it was ok to go buy the truck because there will be no baby this time. I think it was healthy mixture of sadness and relief, but if it had turned out any other way we would have been ecstatic. Life's funny like that.
We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.