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28 September 2006

the skinny

I thought I should update you on what's happening...

First off, I haven't been feeling well for about a month now... thus the initial pregnancy thoughts. Wicked headached, nausea, and near blackouts all seemed to point me towards this direction. I'm not prone to any of the aforementioned, so when they hit for extended visits, which they have never done before, I was a bit confused and looked to the obvious solutions. Obviously, the obvious wasn't so obvious at all. I've also been sleeping about 11 hrs a night and then needing a nap partway through the day. This isn't normal.

I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I have to say that he is wonderful. He's very thorough and for a small town GP, we're more than fortunate to have him - we're blessed. At work he's a very sombre man, and my visit with him was no different this time. If nothing else, it was a little more grave.

He gave me an intense going over. Swollen lymphs aren't usually a call for concern, however, mine are also attached with seeing double on the same side as the swelling. My balance is off and I'm suffering for nasty headaches and, believe it or not, losing my appetite a little more each day. And I'm an eater. When he looked at me and said Get dressed, we need to talk. I thought two things: (1) damn, this doesn't sound good, and (2) sounds like a date gone bad.

So he's concerned. So he put me to the top of the list for extensive blood work, a few chest x-rays and a brain scan. Tomorrow I'm going to the optomitrist and he does a sort of optical view of your brain, take from behind your eyes. Mom wants to break my knees so I have to go to the hospital, dad wants me to come and spend the night, and Kiki just keeps say Don't die. I really can't have you die right now. The only trouble is that while this is new to everyone else (and relatively so to me), I'm still feeling just as shitty as I have for the last few weeks, but now everyone wants to drive me everywhere. It just feels like I have a really rotten flu, minus the runny nose and sore throat.

I don't know what to say. I'm not sure how to react and I don't know how to make people feel better because I don't know what's going on. So in the words of my friend Tim, whose name I always spell as Time, I'll just keep keepin' on. I don't bruise easily, so that offers comfort. I feel like I'm trying to see through the fog, thinking that I'll catch a clear glimpse before I come right up on it. Do you ever just get really tired? Like you're holding it all together and barely managing, but managing nonetheless? But then someone comes along and adds just one more thing to the pile? Even if it's small. And all you can manage to do is try not to cry and then you're scared that if you do that, it's all going to slip from your meager grip. But how do you let go of something that you don't really have a handle on?

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.

Blaise Pascal


Anonymous said...

Hey. You let go and give everyone a chance to carry you. That's why they love you, so let them.

You remain at the top of our prayers. Maybe it be nothing, or something small and easily fixed.

Hugs to you, my friend.

Smarts said...

i love you. i have no words, but you know anyway.


Potor said...

I’m sure it will all turn out ok. But in the mean time I’m thinking of you and your family.