Search This Blog

29 October 2006

Come Undone

It’s almost November and outside my window is starting to look a bit more like I feel. Bland. Like the yellow line in the middle of the road, I am halfway between either extreme, neither good nor bad, just middle of the road. It’s been tough to sit down and write, not that I haven’t had things to say, just finding that it’s taking that effort to actually say what it is that I want said that I don’t have. I suspect no one really minds, but it’s hard when you have a jumble of things rolling around and you’re not sure where to start in getting them sorted out.

I’ve been inexplicably sad lately. Mind you I understand that I’ve been sick and busy and tired and yaddy yaddy yaddy, but the reality is that I’m lonesome to the point where it is a physical ache. This is the hardest time I’ve ever had with Peter being gone and more days than not I am nearly certain that it will never end, even when I know that it will. It’s just such a desperately long time right now and my head doesn’t feel glued on straight. My heart hurt the other night because he said I was hard to talk to lately and that I hadn’t been very friendly in the past few weeks. I felt sick that he felt he couldn’t talk to me because right now, that’s all we have. A fucking phone with a 3,000 mile cord. And I know I was acting like an obstinate kid answering yes, no, and sleeping in the middle of the bed, hogging his side when I so religiously keep it as his because I know he’ll be home soon. He’ll be home soon… my mantra, my solace, my putting one foot in front of the other. It’s the meantime that sucks right now.

School is tough this term and I’m not used to that. I’m used to going to 75% of my classes, doing occasional homework and keeping a comfortable 3.3 GPA. Status quo. Comfortable. Requiring, but not too much. But I’m strung out and pulled, feeling like I’m trying to run and catch up to the caboose, the last possible car on the track. And all the running has made me inextricably tired and I don’t know how to find rest.

But being the proverbial optimist because if I’m not I think I may die, it is only for a season. Peter will be home on December 19 and while I’m not exactly certain on how many days that is, but I’m certain that it’s one less than yesterday, so even if I feel like I’m standing still, it’s good to know that the sun is still rising and setting, moving along as the universe intended. I also had to start re-believing that God is once again hearing my prayers. Because I need that. I need to know that there is a larger outlook than my own and I have to grant that outlook to God because that’s what I know. And to learn about new higher power right now is too much for my small brain and overwhelmed heart. So for now there is a comfort in the known, whether it is right or wrong. Maybe I need a touch of grace, or strength, fortitude, and acknowledgment that I’m not slugging at this alone and that Peter needs me as much as I need him. Need. I never knew that I could need like I do. I guess it's my turn. For now I can't be the chaser, the go-getting, the planner or whatever other action hat I have worn previously. For now I need to fall in line and learn the rhythm of the world around me, hear the beat of the general drum. Regroup. Get by. Get through. A season.

I reread She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. I read it four years ago and it surprised me with the affect that it had on me. When I put it down the first time the details were so vivid and startling that I would catch my breath simply by seeing the cover. I noticed that the details had faded so perhaps it was time to read it again. It was the same once again, but this time with a greater gentleness - a softness in understanding. A new perspective.

I can't wait to go skating.

The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
Charles DuBois

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate -- that's my philosophy.
Thornton Wilder

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it is good to come undone.