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22 November 2006

I feel unusual. Not like myself, yet exactly like myself, all at once. It's a strange sensation. The week has been heavy - a lot of busy work that pretains to little of anything important other than that the time it takes me to complete are precious minutes I will never have again. The lights in my house are blowing in succession. I'm going to see how long it takes me to be completely in the dark. Everyone needs a goal.

I've been watching myself this week with the things that I do that I usually don't think about... thinking about the non-thinkables and how I react to them. Some are typical, others, a little sideways. I'm off kilter and I'm not entirely sure why. It's not that I'm easily annoyed, yet I have little patience for certain things, behaviours, stupidities, day to day musings around. I'm abrupt and unscathed by my abruptness and it's as if I am powerless to stop it. The old "I want to go / I want to stay mentality". Only I'm not sure what it is that I want. No, that's not entirely true. I want school to end. I need school to end. School needs to end.

I got a message on my msn today from a friend of mine that I used to work with. She said "Hey to you too. I never see you on msn except to be busy! Yes you told me you are moving for a while. Good for you , I am happy for you. I know you will have a good time there. You are the best person I know! I hope you are happy." And I've sat here for a good 15 minutes staring at it. My caustic side says she needs to meet more people if I'm the best she knows. The gentle side of me is touched because I know she means it because she always says how hard it is for her to make friends. I have a few more sides but they're still in deliberation. My complaint around the university is that no one thinks for themselves within the walls of what is supposed to be a thinking hub. They stare at their feet when they walk. They don't acknowledge when they spin around and nail you with their backpack. They get annoyed when you get into line before they do. And I am turning into them. Except I'm not. I am acting like them, but I'm not turning into them. Yet. A fine line.

I layed in bed two nights ago and thought about giving and taking and which of the two I do more. Some are born givers and some born takers and no balance is ever struck because the more one gives the more the other takes. And I don't know which side of the fence I stand. And there is no balance from my vantage point either. I guess maybe the question would be about how crucial is what I give or take? And that's like trying to nail jello to a wall.

When I got home tonight it was dark everywhere and the stars were out in full. I saw every constellation there was even though I can only name the dippers. There were just too many stars to think that some may be missing. I was thankful for the beauty of the sky and it reminded me to let go of a lot of things I hold on to and worry about. Or atleast pretend for the moment that I've let go. Sometimes that's enough to get through. And I told God that he did a good job at creating the universe and the portrait in the sky. I just asked him to stay out of my life because he only seemed to make a mess and those messes were a real bitch to clean up.

"I hope you are happy. " she said.
me too.


Smarts said...

Thought of you when I read this...

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

George Bernard Shaw

Ms Dare2dv8 said...

How true. Seriously.

I just can't even begin to believe that I'm going in debt for this particular cause.