I'm having a tough day and I'm sure there are multiple reasons involved. One week from tonight and I'll be settling into my new home and I am excited, anxious and scared. I expected the excited and really, even the anxious, but I didn't expect the scared. That one kind of snuck in when I wasn't looking. I had a massage today because I've been having back spasms in the wee hours of the morning and Alisa asked how I was doing while she drove her elbow into one of the knotty culprits under my shoulder blade. I always thought I was good at change, at driving until I can't see straight, at passing through little towns and talking to strangers. And I guess I was good at it, but now I'm, well, I'm scared. I'm frightened at everything the move will bring, everything it won't bring, and everything it will hint at. I want to lock the doors, close the blinds and turn off the lights. Atleast that's how I feel at night. I wasn't expecting a new adventure to become my personal Boogey Man. I'm not good at waking up in tears that have nothing to do with pain, but I seem to be practicing it with a frightful regularity. I'm probably just being stupid. When I talked to my sister yesterday she asked me how mom was dealing with everything, and hesitantly I said very well. Freakily so. I'm left waiting for the other shoe to drop or for her to tell me she has terminal cancer. Something isn't kosher.
So all in all, with a long face that I'm sure will brighten soon (because I'm fuckingly optimistic), I am still left entering the new year with fresh resolve and grown-up ambition. It's all about landing and standing and taking a good look around at what's actually there, and not listening to those silly things that go bump in the night. Tonight I talked to my little Hockey Player. I hadn't seen him since last spring and he looked good. He left me a voice mail on Christmas day on my cell. He said that he hoped I have a good christmas because I deserved it and that he was sorry he had screwed up between us. He said he wished only good things for me because no matter what I was still the girl of his dreams and that one day he hoped to find someone even half like me. He said that if I wanted him to that he would wait forever for me. So tonight I saw him and he gave me a big hug. He's also in Alberta and will be up and around the town that I'm in from time to time. I told him that Peter said he didn't mind me talking to him, and he smiled and sighed relief. He said good because he was going to tell him that he had the best girl around. I asked him how he was doing and he said ok and that he understood what I meant when I said that when you move away and come home everything changes. But it changes in you, not the world outside. He said he got that now and quit wondering what was wrong with him. We parted ways with a final hug and I told him to look me up and that I was always a good ear to sound off in. And that was that. Yesterday Peter's ex-girlfriend, the one just before me, came to the door to see if he was still home. I met her when they were dating and liked her immediately. She's funny, smart, outgoing and beautiful. I gave her a hug when she came in and wished her a happy New Year. She asked how things were going and told me she liked the colour of the kitchen. We chatted about this and that and nothing important. She mentioned she was seeing a guy but for the moment things were tricky. She said she just can't get it right with men. It was then that I looked her in the eye and told her very honestly that nothing happened between Peter and I while they were dating. And I think she wanted to cry. I told her that for whatever it's worth, sometime's it's just nice to hear to settle the demons of wondering. She said that she appreciated it and that it had been hard when they first broke up. She said that her friends asked her if she hated me and she said no, it fucking sucks because she's really cool and I had to laugh at that. So I gave her Peter's email address and told her that while I was the only one who checked it I will always pass messages along. And I could be dillusional but I think she left lighter than when she came in 20 minutes earlier. And that was that.
A letter arrived from a good friend of mine out west. She understands the business of life and holds moments in high regard so I've read it twice already. She informed me that I would need to fire off an email if I wanted ALL the details of the gossip she hinted. So I'll do that. I also talked to a girlfriend that I hadn't talked to since the summer. She's got a new baby and she calls when she has a moment. We turned everything over and then held it up to the light to see if we could spot the truth and we came up with the fact that God is highly unconventional with a weird sense of humour. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon. Apparently he called mom and dad to let me know my test results were in and would like to see me sooner than later. I'm sure everything will be fine and whether it is or not, I've promised myself to take more vitamins.
Someone asked me this past weekend if Rosie was my aunt, and she is. And they said you know, she never complains and works hard and I couldn't stop thinking about that. I thought about the person that said it and the look of admiration that came over them when they mentioned it. And all I could think was what a good quality. Maybe that's my lesson. After all, I am a fucking optimist. ;)
I believe you are your work. Don't trade the stuff of your life, time, for nothing more than dollars. That's a rotten bargain.
Rita Mae Brown