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03 May 2007

Filling the Cup

I seem to be entering my days by learning something new, but exiting by forgetting something old. It's like trying to fill a cup that's full of something old, with something fresh. A lot of mixing and always something spilling out and getting lost. But there's so much to take in that I worry I'm not getting it all... or at the very least the very staples I need. And then there's the flip of it all that says don't forget this Andrea, this is important. And a balance can't be struck.

It's a mixture of shock and awe when I look at the calendar and realize that already it is Thursday and my week seems only to beginning. I've been tired and am beginning to really feel the weight of everything that needs to be accomplished in such a short time. It's as if I've been spending my years in infinite time and it has suddenly changed to finite. Advice from all sides, some saying all is fine, others saying time is nigh and more should be done. And here I am, stuck in the middle, trying to fill this fucking cup that's already full with a thick and viscous liquid, and trying my damndest to replace it with something light and airy. But light and airy it is not, so I will continue pouring and mixing.

Peter and I had an arguement last night and it was our second one this week. And no, we're not on the rocks, not falling apart, but trying to grasp this big change that is growing in me and amidst us. I would be lying to say there is no chaos and that we're surviving off a drug that says it will be ok. But some days that drug just feels like a placebo and I need something a little more concrete. Sometimes I just need an arm, an I love you we'll be ok, instead of a silence that has no answers. Sometimes I think his ex wife and an old girlfriend who wanted marriage and babies took everything out of him.... the things that I think that I need right now. Sometimes I think that, not all the time, but sometimes, usually in silence.

Last night I watched a show called Five things to be Done Before You Die. Last night's discussion was on love and how love is not an emotion, it's a choice. That we have to come to a point in ourselves where we say aloud, I am loving myself because I am worthy and I can. I am loving you for the same reasons. And we make up our minds. Flick the switch. Find the answer. Move on from there. And last night I laid awake for more than a few hours and thought about that. I thought about that in all aspects of who I was, am, and do. That even when I teach I am choosing to love my students and see the potential... and that's the key... the potential. Potent. Potential. Strong.

So on these rainy days that seem so drab and difficult, I am choosing to see potential. The potential of a man who I have chosen to be my partner and has chosen me in return. I'm not expecting to find a magic eraser to make it disappear or to remove the things I don't like to see or feel. Light gives heat and heat grants growth... and sometimes things grow where you least expect.

My life is simple. More simple than I would have ever imagined. I have routines and bills to pay. My windows are often dusty and my floor could always been cleaner. But somewhere, where I least expected it, it all became pretty extraordinary. And the view takes my breath away... even when it's through that same dirty window. I just need to step outside. Till the last drop of water flows under the bridge.

We're officially 21 weeks and the baby is moving every day. I am in awe.

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