It's hard to know where to begin because so many monumental things have happened. Life has happened at warp speed and sometimes it's hard to comprehend how much living has happened in such a short span. Ava is six weeks old and I still want to keep rolling it around my tongue to say my daughter. Oh, she's my daughter. Yes, that's my daughter. What is the trouble, my daughter? I'm not sure if it makes sense to say that it feels so foreign yet so the way it is. But I guess for lack of better articulation, that's exactly what it is. She's holding her head up now, smiling in beautiful, non-gassy ways, and talking back. I marvel at just how beautiful she is and beam like an idiot when strangers say the same. She's sleeping through the night, or nearly, and I can't really ask for more than that. She'll yell around 2am but it's usually just to be flipped on to her belly. Yes, I know, they're not supposed to sleep that way. I know that she's not supposed to have blankets on either. There are a lot of things I know, but it doesn't change the fact that that's how she likes to sleep.
I just reread that, and it startled me that I wrote "there are a lot of things I know". Actually, I think that it startled me that I believe it to be true. Sometimes I get all hung up on everything that I don't know, or am learning, or taking in, or being completely bowled over by... and that's all true too, but there are things that I know. And apparently there are a lot of them. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dumbing my way through this whole thing... but I'm learning. And how can that not just make you smile?
On other fronts, I'm getting married. July 12 to be exact and am very much looking forward to the festivities. I am both excited and satisfied by the prospects of being married, and while I can honestly say that I never thought it would actually happen, I find it hard to think of a greater pleasure. I told Peter it was the only time I was going to do this, so I was going to enjoy it. Then I told him it was the last time he was going to do it, so he had best enjoy it too. There is no way possible that I could have planned this life. Thank God for that.
Tomorrow I go teaching. Apparently I will be substituting for awhile, a day here and there. Tomorrow is grade 3 and Devon informed me at the hardware store this afternoon that he knew I was going to be his teacher and that if I needed any help finding anything in the classroom, he had my back. He also let me know that he was all set for his spelling test that was going to happen first thing. These are the moments where I wish that kids ruled the world. Because if you couldn't find something, they'd help you out.
Speaking of the hardware store, I had to go pick up some spray nine and I ran into Joanne. Joanne is a beautiful woman who has worked at the hardware since its inception and has a daughter I went to school with. A few weeks ago her husband past away from lung disease and now she finds herself living alone. She's been working more because she has more time on her hands. Atleast she's living.. moving, breathing, taking each day at a time and saying it's ok... I'm doing ok. So tonight I introduced her to my kid. And as she held onto her little hand I saw a deep something inside of her.... something a bit cracked, but not broken. Something that was still very strong... but bruised and in need of healing. So I asked her if she wanted to hold her and her eyes sparkled, and all I could think about was how important these silly little things are. How holding a baby can fix something that doctors can't see and adults can't seem to touch. And how eight year olds will help you find whatever you need and work hard on their spelling words because they know it makes you happy. These are the moments that you can't hurry through or past or over. These are the times that keep your feet grounded yet give you wings.
Ava teaches me lessons every day. Just this afternoon she taught me that it doesn't hurt to let someone you just met give you a hug because it's probably more for them than it is you, and somehow they just need a little unspoken kindness. And tonight she showed me once again how a full belly and a good poop bring restful dreams.
Just for today, be happy.