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14 December 2007

It's hard to believe that it's been nearly a month since my last post. Time has gone into overdrive, leaving me in its wake without a lifejacket. My head's still above water, or atleast it is for now, but I find myself getting very tired of tredding.

School is finished except for exams, which I begin tomorrow morning at 9am. It's been snowing all day and the university is about an hour away, so I'm hoping that the roads will be cleared by morning. I emailed my prof to let him know what was happening and there would be logistical reasoning behind my possible lateness to my exam. But I'll leave extra early and take my time. It's just one of those things that needs to be done.

I've been working away for a couple of hours now in silence (except for the radio), and was startled when the phone rang. Peter's up helping his dad and my mom and dad have Ava. It was Ava calling to wish me good night and I was all of a sudden welled up and tight chested. She jibbered for a minute and mom said her eyes went big when I talked back. All of a sudden it brought back that I might be alone in the house for a time, that I wasn't alone in life. And that was a good feeling.

Peter and I have had a tough month. It's hard to make space for someone when you're not used to making space, giving when you really don't want to give in, and biting your tongue when it could so easily flap in the wind. I thought about marriage and motherhood and singleness and dating and all that stuff that runs through your mind when you have a bad day with someone you love. The proverbial otherside of the coin. And I talked to God, which is a bit of an anomaly these days. But I did.

And while I don't think I came to any great enlightenments, I did come to some understanding. It's hard to suck it up when you suddenly understand (when you get it REAL LOUD) that you're just not perfect and that you don't always do things the right way, and that when someone points it out they're not necessarily a complete asshole, so much as they are, well, right. It's hard to accept something as truth when it looks at you less than favourably. So this was what I dealt with. And my first reaction, the heart of my gut and the thing most familar, was to run. To loft a hearty fuck you and trek into the night and do it myself.

But I didn't. And that's what I talked to God about. Because I didn't understand (and if I'm honest, I still don't) why I was programmed the way I was. Why did I insist on turning over each stone in hopes of finding something new, something different, when in reality, it was still just a stone with muck underneath? Why did I keep searching for something else when everything that I had searched so hard for in the past was standing right in front of me? And why, just because it wasn't perfect all the time, did I expect it to end? Why do you keep pulling me back when I curse you and pull away?

We have a lot of snow. More snow than probably the last 4 years combined and it is a winter wonderland. The world looks so beautiful all covered in white, hiding all the tell-tale inadequacies, all the garbage. It's still there, but for now there's a bit of a reprieve. Maybe I'm close to understanding something big. Maybe I'm just covering up my flaws for a season.

I will always wrestle with the heart of myself. The push and pull that make me up, the black and white and odd shades of grey that can't decide what side they're on. But I suppose that's ok, so long as I remember to look at the big picture, outside of myself. To remember that it's more about understanding that it is about deserving.

The hospital sent a letter to inform me that I needed to be there January 10th at 10:30 in the morning. Apparently I was bumped up on the list since when I called they informed me they were 4 months behind. I'm not sure if I should be thankful or frightened for my hurried route so I guess I'll just go and take it has it gets handed to me. Peter will have gone back to work and I will have started a new semester at school, but Ava will be kept by her gram and my mom will go and take care of me and listen to what I often tune out. Sometimes there's just too many details for a girl who loves point form. But it's just over a week till Christmas and I will enjoy it. I will laugh and drink and enjoy my family and friends. I will kiss my husband to be and tell him I love him, because I do. And let him know that I am thankful for him, because I am. And that I will not runaway, because I won't. And when the lights dim and the music fades I will still be in my own personal conundrum about me, but not about him, because he is, after all, what I searched so hard for for so long.

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

Amy Bloom

1 comment:

Smarts said...

She is just the cutest ever!!!