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09 January 2008

Well, I've done the unthinkable and have survived the first week back to class. At about 2:30 yesterday afternoon I wasn't sure I would, but apparently I've pulled through. Thankfully.

We seem to be landing into some sort of bizarre routine. Ava is turning into a very resilient kid, probably because there are no other options at this time, but oh well, she seems to be surviving and growing so that's all that's really important. She's passed out on my bed right now (wearing a Nike sleeper!) wtih one hand over an eye, and the other twisted in a blanket and pulled over her ear. Apparently breakfast and a big poop were all she could deal with before having a snooze. I have these moments of extreme terror where I'm going to fuck her up beyond belief, but by the grace of Someone besides me, she always wakes up with a smile. She's learning to laugh and giggle, loving the sound of her voice. It's hard to believe the changes that come in 4 short months. Out of my Box of Life, she has definately been a Blessing.

Peter has once again returned to the west and is settling back into work and paychecks. It's hard, but necessary for the time being. I just got an email from a friend of mine of Vancouver Island. She said that she remembered families living, working, and going to school at UBC and that she always wondered how they managed to stay sane. Or atleast look the part. I told her that it probably was more like barely holding everything together but secured in the knowledge and resolution of it (being school) was one of this things that just needed to be done because it wasn't just for them, there was a family that was involved. And that puts a whole lot of things inter perspective.

It's funny about perspective and how it changes things. This was the first semester of my entire university career where I didn't just drop a course because it was hard or there was a lot of work involved. I looked at the facts this time. If I needed it then I did it and that was pretty much it. It's not about me anymore and I think that fact has finally sunk in. My family needs me to do this. I was thinking about Marge Simpson in the face of my life sinking in. I watched the Simpson Movie the other night and at one point she said "Quit talking and throw the goddamn bomb!". And that made a lot of sense. It was time for me to quit talking about it and just do it. Just throw the goddamn bomb. Now it's all about moving to get to that finish line.

So here I sit once again in my life, looking around and finally understanding that life is like this big beautiful present that is full of blessings and woes. And everyday I get to reach in and pull something out, unsure if it will be a blessing or if it will be a woe, but that atleast I get that opportunity everyday. Sometimes it's big, sometimes it's little, but it's always enough to make me excited about tomorrow and what I may pull out. The trick is to remember that there are more blessings than woes in life, even though I may pull out a woe everyday for a week. The trick is to remember that there are still blessings inside and tomorrow may be the day I finally latch on to one.

Ava's got the blankets pulled completely over her head and her are feet up in the air so I guess it's time for me to get up and get going. I go to the hospital tomorrow, so tomorrow I will see about another blessing or woe and deal with it as it comes. The beauty is that whatever happens won't last forever. And it's my job to remember that.

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

Carlos Castaneda

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