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22 April 2008

The last while has seen me put a valiant effort into living my life purposefully, intending on putting one foot in front of the other, looking and searching for the next place to step. It's a difficult thing for me since I have spent the majority of my 32 years in a limbo, held only by the seat of my pants. Needless to say, it's a real learning curve. I think a lot. I toss a lot of things over, mulling them through, not necessarily coming to any particular answers, but working along the path that may lead to my sorting them out. I have moments where it's hard to remember the past and then moments after that where I find it hard to sit still in the present. I'm still leaving the future to fend for itself when the time comes, but as I say that I am reminded that perhaps there should be a little more prep work done regarding that.

One of my bridesmaids is organized to the hilt. She makes lists and doesn't lose or forget to bring them. She stays on track and gets done what she needs to, enjoying her time but not wasting it. So I've been taking a cue and making lists of my own, doing my best to cut out the unessentials unless there is time to dwaddle or play. What I am discovering is that there is more time to dwaddle and play because my list makes my essentials quite easy to complete. I laugh because I am so certain that there are so many out there that think that this is silly. But I have to tell you that my life has been easier since not forgetting my list.

I woke up to warm sunshine. It's been quite lovely here, allowing us out for wonderful afternoon walks that don't require a dozen layers to keep warm. The snow is nearly gone and you can see the buds on the trees starting to emerge. Last night I had 13 deer milling about my back yard munching on grass. Mama's and babies coming out from a long winter in. Kind of like Ava and me.

I got an email this morning that surprised me. It was from a boy that I lost my virginity to when I was 25 on the night that was his 26th birthday. He's 33 now with a little girl of his own and a soon to be wife. But the email was nice. It wasn't about undying love or being screwed over, but rather the hey how's it going kind that said drop me a line because I think of you often. He told me that I made a great impact on his life. A good kind of impact. And then later today I ran into J and it was all over so quickly that I never once had a moment for my heart to race or my belly to lurch. It was all so unplanned and unexpected, but all so ok and grown up, like two paths going in opposite directions but eventually leading back to use the same bridge before they branched out in different ways again. So my drive home was introspective. I thought about love and choices and what made someone choose to fall in love with me or I with them. I also thought about what I thought was love and if it really was so important to be able to separate sex from it. And what was it that made someone look at someone else and go yes. this. is. the. one. Who am I to say that I have gotten it right this time when so many other times I landed on my ass? And I thought about marriage and life and my life and marriage that was leading to Peter and I thought you know, it's ok. And I smiled, because it was. There was something that I can't put into words because maybe it's just not meant to be put that way... but it's there and it makes perfect sense to me and to him and we're really the only ones that matter in the whole shamoozle. A long time ago a friend of mine gave me a wall hanging. It says You are the kind of friend who would overlook my broken fence to admire my flowers. And that's what made it all make sense. To just see through what's busted to get to what's really beautiful.

This is one of Ava's Easter pictures. The look on her face is as if she is saying "CHEESE". The best thing ever was that there was a dangly thing on her flouncy dress. Apparently dangly things make my daughter's world a better place.

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.

Blaise Pascal

1 comment:

CDA said...

So? Where have you been? I mean you were able to track me down via proxy in Europe...

You haven't been writing. I have needs, you know.