Oh nine has entered, not wreaking havoc, but deciding its course without input from me. I feel somewhat left out in the cold and right now, really not enjoying my life. If I were to be passionate and careless I would nearly dare say that I hate it. But I'm not. So right now I'll just say that things are hard. I feel lost and alone and while not abandoned, I feel like I only have me to keep me warm at night... and nothing to make on a fire with.
How many times have I said that times pass.... good or bad they move on, move forward, move to the side and let me through... so I will trust that this will also. So I sat and let myself cry tonight... to really open up and sob, to let the walls around me know that something in me hurts quite badly right now and to say without words that I don't feel like this time will pass or move on or move over.... that my fire is out and there is nothing left but to wrap myself in my own arms and wait for dawn to arrive. but it feels like it never will. that i will just wake up to grey and the sun won't ever shine. and while i appreciate that these are 'moments' it doesn't stop the fact that my heart is hurting far more than i have felt it hurt in years.... and the eternal optimist in me rings through and says atleast you're still feeling! and all i want to do is say fuck off and leave me alone because that's where i am anyways. alone. cold. disheartened.
But then at the very second where I am certain where the very ground I am on is going to shatter and fall into an abyss of eternal uncertainty, this little body peeks around the corner, running up and lays her head on my leg saying hi mommy! in the most animated voice I have ever heard. And she kisses my leg, hands me a "gook" of birds exclaiming it's a "gucky" followed by "up-ee", and instantaneously rights my world, realigning my proverbial axes.
tonight I'm just tired.