I don't think I'm so much of a mess anymore.
Life is moving along and I believe that I just may be ok with it all. I'm still biting my nails and over eating, so not all is okey dokey, but it's coming. I no longer lay in bed in the dark and wonder about choices made. I don't hate getting up in the morning. I don't question myself so harshly anymore.
Once again things are busy. And maybe that's it, the crux of the whole thing, maybe I can't function without running my ass of with no respite in sight. Maybe I need the sheer exhaustion of everything to make everything liveable, to make it ok, satisfying.
But in saying that, I don't know how satisfied I am. I'm not unhappy but I haven't found my niche yet, my spot just for me where I am me without question. But I need to figure that out again... because atleast I am smart enough to know that the me of five years ago isn't likely to be the me of right now and I am alright with that. I started going to a mom's group, which I swore I never would, but desperate times call for equal measures. It was ok. We survived. One mom keeps calling, wanting me to come for coffee. So I will. Monday at 3:30p after the kids have their nap.
So I'm doing my thing, one foot in front of the other, making my way to wherever it is I'm intended to go.... I'm pretty sure that I'm moving forward. Pretty sure. Peter and I are well. We laugh more now and seem to be settling in. I think we're going to tile the kitchen backsplash.
My kid is growing like crazy, talking and taking life in massive strides. She inspires me. It's true when whoever said that having a kid is like wearing your heart on the outside. They nailed it. Even in those moments where you really just want to sell them. But let's face it, without me even saying anything, you can easily tell she's pretty friggin' awesome.