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25 July 2009

I have promised myself that I would sit down and make time to write for no other reason than it keeps me both grounded and sane. Once again time has passed in a flurry of life - both good and bad, for better or worse, and all the jazz in between. My first year of marriage is complete and I have to pat myself on the back, because really, there were days where I really thought hard about becoming a widow... but we made it! Now only an infinite number to go... but if time is any indication, we'll do it because I want to do it, because I think it's important... not necessarily smart, but important... and I'm a firm believer in sticking to my guns because something usually pretty decent comes out of it in the end.

Ava is almost two. Two years of my life has been infiltrated by this 3 foot ball of energy that has the power to take over the entire room, regardless of how many people are in it. I once thought it was of utmost importance to not let her watch TV and make all her baby food from scratch... or that's what I thought that "mother in me" thought was best. I've now learned that the "me in the mother" appreciates how important it is to show her the world, to keep her safe but to let her eat dirt, get dirty, make decisions, and sometimes just flake out in front of Treehouse. The world is a big place and it has been both wonderful and harsh to me and I have relished every moment. The "me"... the pre-kid, poor decisions, Mistress of Woohoo, 7/10ths sound decision maker, 3/10ths this could be really fun or really bad "me".... wants her to take life and make it her own. To look at it all, touching if necessary, and deciding from there. I want her to think about life and appreciate that it is both big picture and little moments. And we're both getting there. I love her independence, spirit, articulation, and the ability to just go get what she wants with a little extra thought... and the simple fact that every night before she gets plunked in her bed to plan for the next day, she takes me by the hand and says "Way down, mommy, way down". So we lay down and discuss the day and make plans for the next. I am reminded each night that I am a mom, but I am still me. And she is my kid and becoming her own.

As for Peter and I... as I said, we made it through our first year. And it wasn't easy, but we're on the other side. Funny how when I'm myself without pretense, life is better for us both, eh? It's getting better, so that's where my encouragement lies. I'll be finished both my degrees this week.... done school... five years, 2 degrees, $35,000 later... done. We all feel the weight lifted. Five years is a long time to be poor (me) and a long time to be the only provider (him), but we're getting there. Would I board the Marriage Train again? not on your life! But for the one and only shot I'm determined to take at it, I would say that I've picked a good partner for me. He loves all of me, including my overwhelming ability to take over life. I am richly satisfied and my life is beginning to uncomplicate itself in the ways that I really needed it to.

I turned 33 this past April and am expecting baby #2 in December. We don't know what we're having and the excitement is different than what I had anticipated. It's like the week before Christmas where things are wrapped up tightly and no matter how many times you shake it, you just can't figure it out for sure. Ava lifted my shirt the other day, put her eye to my belly button, and said "Baby, where arrrrreee yuuuuuuu?", stood up, pointed to my boobs and said "Baby food", then promptly turned around and stood on her head. For just being 22 months, I figure that's pretty good.

So I guess you could say that I've once again reappreciated that life is about both good and shit decisions and in the whole process of stuff either one can go either way, but in all the ways it's what you make of it all. So in the end it will sort itself out for the best way it's supposed to be.

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
Albert Camus

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