If you were to sort through posts dating back a year ago, you would find the shell of a woman who thought she had made terrible life decisions and that her world was falling down around her. I suppose the beauty of hindsight is that you can look back and peer through the ashes of where you think everything went up in flames and really, and I mean really, and honestly, assess the damage and determine if anything is salvagable. Last year was hard. As in sit-down-and-cry-because-there's-nothing-left kind of hard. I had thought about leaving my husband, thought about turning my world upside down, because it wasn't righted to begin with... atleast try to get it on its side, and start somewhere once again... over, under, somwhere in the middle, I didn't know... I just knew I had to get my shit together... or atleast into a different pile.
Funny how life prepares you for life. I've lived in a lot of different places, flitting from here to there, trying different "hats" and "shoes" for those interesting walks of life where I chose to pick up and tread. And everytime I did it, it was hard. If it was easy, I got bored and moved on. I always forced myself to stay for a time... could be six months, could be a year, but I always felt that a time was needed to really assess the situation and decide whether this was the way it was because it was the way it had always been and would always be, or if it was just me in a discontent without rhyme or reason. So I suppose that you could say that was last year's resolution - to hunker down and weather the storm for a time... a year, so see what was yeilded or destroyed by it. And I'm glad I did.
It didn't get better over night. In fact, there were days where it got worse and then I got pregnant and I didn't know what to think anymore. It's hard when you lose faith in yourself and your abilities.... actually, it's beyond hard. It's unrelenting and painful and despisable and hurtful and everything awful you can think of, bundle it up, and stuff it all in your head to run around in circles for months. But here I am, sitting on the other side of 2010 and saying, holy shit, I made it... and made progress! And I'm glad I did. Glad I waited. Glad I cried, screamed, went silent, slammed doors, said fuck, said it louder, cursed my world, rejoiced for it, and grew. Somewhere, amidst all the awful, I have arrived on the threshold of someone I really want to be, living a life I really want to live.
So resolutions for 2010... hmmm.... I believe it is a good year to cultivate the strength that I discovered from 2009. To grow into the woman of strength... not size, not hair length, not this, not that, nothing external... this is a year of strength... from the inside. Physical, mental and emotional. I think I'm off to a good start. I read something once and I can't remember where, but it was along the lines of this... that it's like a catepillar emerging from a cocoon. Without the struggle, it would still come out but be deformed on the inside, unable to navigate the wind. Pretty, but no strength. And I've thought about that a lot this past year.
This year I'm going to walk more, seek more fresh air. I'm going to listen to my ipod and tune out the 'noise' that sometimes overwhelms for no needed reason. And I'm going to look to become a woman of strength... like I know is in there... the kind of woman I want my girls to be. To seek adventure, live, speak up, take stock of what's important. Because I have to say, I'm in love with my husband and he's learning to love me how I need to be loved. And the whole process has been worth it in the end.
Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world