I've become very honest with myself. And it rather scares... and liberates.... the shit out of me all at once. I keep expecting the clouds to open up and the sun shine through on my face as if to say "well done good and noble creature", but so far it's more along the lines of "you know, that's true... and too bad you didn't figure it out a long time ago dumbass". Either way, the details are getting clearer.
Life has been busy. Sarah Doodle turned a year old in December, and Ava has mastered the art of never shutting up. It's impressive really, like she knows she's on the cusp of making your ears bleed and delving you into the place where you understand why some people shake children, only to stop you at the threshold to utterly endear you to her, to the point where your heart should explode from the sheer amount of love that you have for her. She is the mistress of making you fall in love with her, deeper than you ever dreamed possible... and always before you suscumb to fully shaking the shit out of her. Now now, not to worry. She is my joy... but it doesn't mean that on occassion I can't crave quiet. After all, she is three with the vocabulary of a 15 year old.
Sarah Doodle turned a year in December and is quickly following in her sister's linguistic capabilities. This morning at 4am she decided it was probably best that she sleep in my bed... while twirling my hair....and sticking her finger up my nose.... all the while saying "Ha-yo mom mom mom!" Ha-yo Sarah Doodle. Mama's gonna get you some tylenol... :D Kidding!... well... kinda.....
I've finally been able to get some teaching in after the arderous process of applying for a provincial license in a province that is not my own. Lord what an ordeal. All I want to do is warp your children, seriously, need we make this more difficult? Anyways, there have been a few schools that I get into consistently and I have to say that I quite enjoy them. This morning I arrived to said school to be informed that I was chaperoning the New Year's Dance for grades 6,7, and 8 which was about to take place first thing in periods one through three.
And I have to say that immediately upon entering the gym where the dance was to be held, I was even more quickly reassured about just how glad I was to no longer be in junior high.
You saw it all. The self-conscious girls that wanted to dance with boys and the boys that wished those same girls would ask them... the ones that didn't care... the cool ones, the chubby ones... the athletes... the tall ones that couldn't keep up with their feet yet and the short ones that were dying to get into the next shoe size. It was interesting to watch from the outside because I could so easily recognize their pain, joy, struggle and loathing at being there. The nervous tugging of clothing, the hands shoved deep into pockets... the nervous giggles... it was so easy to ascertain what was going through most of those kids' heads at any particular time. You couldn't help but wish them well on the years that were quietly coming upon them... cheer them on to become their best selves, wondering if they would get a chance to see the forsest outside of the trees or appreciate the wildlife therein. I hoped for them. I hoped that they get it all. And immediately as soon as someone opened a door and stirred the air, I hoped they discover deoderant... sooner then later.
I would say that so far this has been the best year yet. I stopped taking so many stupid things to heart, which is easier said then done on my behalf. I stopped thinking I was always in the right, which is good, because I'm not. But neither am I wrong all the time either. I started having an honest voice and letting the proverbial chips fall where they may as consequence of that voice. I've let go of the extra 15 lbs that haunted me... and as soon as I let go, noticed that I lost 10 of them. I guess you could say I'm starting to feel like me and I'm enjoying it.
I've released myself to the world, but protected the important bits while listening to Ava tonight before getting into the bathtub. "Mom, Sarah tooted!".... "Nope, she pooped!"..... "Aw mom, she shit and it stinks."
I appreciate that Ava is acquiring a similar batch of honesty.
"There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him to sleep." Ralph Waldo Emerson