I fell off the map for February and most of March due to necessity. I was on the cusp of losing my mind, clinging to the proverbial edge of my sanity, and while I question how far off the cliff I've actually moved, atleast both feet are currently planted firmly on some sort of solid, semi-solid, atleast-it's-not-quicksand kind of ground. I'm here and all faculties are working. All in all, that's a bonus.
The last two months have been busy. I've been consistently averaging 6 days and 60 hours (more or less) a week, and that doesn't include my children. I've been burning all ends possible, and while I question exactly how far it is that I'm getting ahead, I can say that I am not going behind. It's not easy, but I'm doing what needs to be done for the time being. Or atleast I'm trying.
Nothing's been easy, that's for sure. Husband and I have been at odds, or I've been at odds with him in my own mind, or there's a silent fight going on somewhere, and I hate him and me and my life all at once, but really, who know's what exactly my reality is. I'm just so fucking terrible at being married. Is it bad that I've always been so darned content by myself??? Is it bad that I want that desperatley sought for solitude with me and my girls only??? Is it terrible that he feels like such an outsider to our trio... atleast to me? They say that the first three years of marriage are the hardest and then it gets easier. I hope the fuck they're right. But in all my bitching about my relationship with him, to watch him with my girls, you can't help but see that they are all in love. And it is that right there my friends, that is so darn hard to walk away from.
Towards the end of February I went to a Filapino wedding ... a young guy that I work with was getting married, and while they were keeping it small, I got invited. And I have to say that it was probably once of the most fun, intimate affairs that I had ever attended, and the sheer amount of joy that radiated from that particular race of people couldn't help but astound you. They laughed and danced (nothing but the Black Eyed Peas on rotation), ate and sang (they love love LOVE kareoke!) and rocked their own skin. They weren't worried about who was there or what was going on. They partied in the best kind of way. People were giving speeches and advice on marriage, does and don'ts and what works and what doesn't. And he asked me to say a few words and of course it was a day where I particularly hated the man I said I would contend with till death did us part. So I walked up and took the mic and said that I didn't really know what to tell them other then to remember this day and why you decided that this was the one person you really wanted to spend the rest of your days with, and that some days would be easier then others... a lot easier... and a lot harder... but in the end, if you made the right choice for you, it was worth it in the end... all the fights, tears, laughter and throwing coffee mugs. I never really looked good in white, so I'm not sure where that leaves me, but here I am, married and doing my darndest to make it work... or atleast thinking that I am. Let's face it, I'm sitting here waiting for it to get easier. Maybe I should stop getting ready to run.
I've been talking to God a lot lately. We usually have an ongoing dialogue of some sorts - good, bad and ugly, I figure, hey, if You made me, You knew what you were getting yourself into. While it's been an effort, I'm trying to be still. And if you know me, you know how hard this is. I'm waiting, biding my time, for what, I don't know, but I'm trying it out. It will be interesting to see what comes of it all, so see just exactly what I misinterrpret, or, perhaps, get right. Should be noteworthy. My dad's praying for me... along with a few others I suspect, and I will confess that it scares the heck out of me. Crazy things happen when people lift their voices. The Tragically Hip had a line that said "nobody cares about something you didn't do", so it will be interesting to see where this all leads.
On April 15th I'm heading to my sister's place, eight hours north. Slowly I've been compiling music for the ride because while my girls will have their dvd player, mama needs something to pass cars to. While gathering, I came across an old cd... a relic amidst one of my several boxes of books crammed together during however many moves ago. I used to spend a lot (a LOT) of time in my car and music was always vital and was before the era of the ipod. In classic Andrea style, this particular compilation was dubbed "Pop-it-in-cause-it's-gonna-make-you-feel-good! Produced during the May heatwave '03". So I popped it in and was taken back to the days of my old sunfire with windows down and sunroof open and cruising to God-knows-where, and all I could think was you know, I really nailed it with the title.