Life has been fairly big as of late. Epic proportions here and there, turning things on their side that you didn't really think turnable. And as usual, time has grabbed the hand of Life and has pulled it into fast forward. Shit.
I've been a terrible blogger for really, really, the past two years. Writing has always been cathartic for me, helping me sort out my life and times,to measure them into some sort of reality or fiction. And I have not been putting in the time or effort that it requires. Many times I have sat down to work through, something about motherhood or wifehood (??!!) or losing Andrea-hood, and suddenly I stop up short because all I have written was "i wasn't planning on any of this and holy shit here it is and now I'm supposed to deal with it and make it into something spectacular." And let's face it, I'm pretty terrible at it. But it's the I'm-pretty-terrible-at-it-but-really-i'm-ok-with-it-all.
So why am I sitting down thinking about this all now when it's 1am and the realtor is coming at 1130am to list our house and I still have 3 walls left to paint?? Why not. It's just one of those nights I need to sort out.
To get the whole picture, right now I manage a restaurant. WIth this position comes both the good and the bad. The good in seeing people happy and getting things done and what they want, the bad in that sometimes you have to tell people that perhaps, maybe, well, this isn't really their thing. Three weeks ago I talked to a young man about his working as a server and how it wasn't really working out. He asked me why it wasn't and for the simple fact that I lacked a tactful way of telling him, I simply told him he was terrible. Because he was. And let's face it, no one really likes to pull punches or walk around the proverbial bush. So tonight, said fellow dropped by to talk. He had a big decision to make and was struggling with the why's and how's and oh shits of how to make it. He was concerned that he was wound a bit to the point of being uptight (to which I laughed a good solid minute to and said "ya think?")and that the decision he really wanted to make was the one that would throw him off his predetermined plan. So we chatted and he said he always appreciated my honesty (pleasant surprise!) and that he wanted to know what my life has been like up until this point. And when I thought about it, it had been nothing like I had expected (because I"m not much of a planner) but filled to overflowing with things that I never regretted, which included good and bad. An hour later he said "I think I've made my decision". I asked him how he felt. He said, "light".
About a half an hour later, my phone rang and it was a voice I hadn't heard in years. It was a comforting voice... like when you find your old favourite pair of shoes from 10 years ago and all the amazing memories of the places they took you come flooding back. But when you actually try them on again, they just don't fit the same. Said voice told me they always loved me and that they were dying. I told the voice he was full of shit and he said he knew that, but it didn't change the fact that his time would be up sooner than later. So we chatted. We chatted about where we both were in life and if it had taken us where we had planned or strived or fell into without thinking. He said he wished it had worked for us, and while I was sad for him, I was glad for me in the fact that it hadn't. He told me I could come back to him anytime. I told him I appreciated the offer, but that I was pretty content right where I am. I wished him well and that he slept soundly and had good dreams. And hoped that tomorrow would hold more answers and that he sat in the sunshine because it's good for the soul. And that even though I don't believe I'm heard most of the time, that I would pray for him. And I hung up the phone with no longings for times long past.
I came home and fixed the dog's bed. I checked on my babies. I listened to my husband snore. And the only thing that I could really come to terms with was that you know, even with all the shit that's come and gone and the hard times and moments where you wish you could be anywhere but here, there are more moments of utter peace and contentment where I look around me and think you know, I would do this again in a heartbeat.